Posted by: Schuyler R. Thorpe | July 8, 2013

The Struggle…To Cope

Depression_by_jxdxIt’s been a few months since I last posted anything. I’m no longer concerned with trying to reach people these days because social media has been such a fucking joke lately? Twitter is a lost cause and Facebook has resorted to mass censoring on an epic scale and it’s been causing a lot of problems for people who are simply trying to reach out.

Here on WordPress, I try to reach out from time to time, but I’m questioning whether or not it’s been doing me any good.

The impressions that I get from here is that it’s the only place where I can either update people on my writing projects or just blow off some steam.

In case you didn’t know–or chose to ignore (which is fine)–I’ve been battling chronic depression for the past nine months now. I’m now stuck in a nightmarish cycle where my depression lasts for 7-8 weeks at a time and the only time I get off is when my depression medication dosage is increased.

(Sigh…)

It’s been increased twice now in the past eight months and each time, the effects of my medication were pretty hardcore: I was full of energy and able to focus on my life again.

But only for a short time.

Then it would be back to the same grind again. The same level of depression and I don’t know what else to do. My life has been fucking chaotic and disorganized to a set degree that I do not know how much longer I can cope with this problem.

People often say that we each have our own breaking points, but I don’t know what mine is. I’m desperately trying to avoid the “end result” where I’m either harming myself (which would be a serious problem) or I’m hurting others.

So I’m undertaking counseling again–hoping that it will buy me some much needed time and relief. But my depression will always be here. The sessions, the medication therapy…it’s only a stabilizer. There is nothing in my experience as a long-time sufferer that would help alleviate or at the least minimize my depression to a point where my life starts making sense again.

So for the past few months, I’ve been in a vicious cycle. And it has been a stressful time. My energy levels are non-existent. My apathy, my languished behavior, my complete disconnect from the world around me has been deafening.

My life is in a holding pattern. I can’t escape the emptiness and the feelings of despair which affects me every step of the way. Oh, I try and pretend that everything is fine, but I’m only fooling myself.

I just have no desire to do the things that I love doing. Even my writing has been suffering as of late. I’ve only managed to get a few more chapters squeezed out, but only after fourteen or fifteen days have passed between each one–making this new novel of mine all that more challenging and difficult to manage.

I just don’t know what else to do. It’s going to take me six to eight months to finish Codename: Velocity!

If I wasn’t so damned depressed all the fucking time, I could finish this project in less than a couple of months, then  move onto the next.

But this depression wears down my resolve, my energy reserves, and plays havoc with my concentration and focus. It’s also begun to impact my better judgment.

I just feel so lost within myself.  And I haven’t been that much of a social bug on Facebook or even Twitter. Forget trying to keep in touch with my family, they wouldn’t understand my pain. All they would demand is that I sell all my worldly belongings and move back to Vermont–where upon arriving, I’d be stuck in a state-run care facility.

That’s about as much “help” my family would be–seeing how I was such a liability to them for much of my young and adult life.

But anyways…this has been a struggle. Depression isn’t something that most people understand, let alone know how to deal with. People often believe that the simplest things are the key to fixing depression, but the truth is, it’s not always that simple.

Chronic depression sufferers like myself go through so much in such a short time, that it would make your heads swim from trying to puzzle out the problems and a solution. The most we need is understanding, support, guidance, and people who would stand by us–even when it looks hopeless.

I’m hoping that my counseling sessions will give me some clue as to why I’m suffering so much now–when two years ago, I was pretty stable. It just seems to be getting worse for me.

I just want this to end and my life to get back on track. I have so much to do, but this depression has been impeding me every step of the way–trying to keep me pinned.

I’ve told people on my Facebook page that I was going to kick depression’s ass so hard that its hell spawn wouldn’t be able to come back and bite me in the ass for years to come. That I was going to beat this problem one way or another.

But it’s a tall order. A very tall order indeed.

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Responses

  1. Schuyler, I have some idea where you’re coming from. And what you’re going through… Been having a similar battle with the big D, bloody stupid Thing!

    As I read through your thoughts, fear niggled deep inside of me. And sadness. To recognize another human soul’s strife, to recognize the coping strategies; to recognize the sheer desperation to be rid of and FREE of this bloody constriction – my heart aches for you. I don’t feel sorry for you. I feel for you. Am there, doing that.

    I have been running from this ogre for the largest part of my life. In serious denial. Attempting the ‘be stronger than this’ chant, repeatedly, and doubting my own strength eventually. Not a empowering outcome.

    About two years ago I capitulated, so to speak. I reluctantly acknowledged that I suffer (and have been for decades) from depression. I have dealt with most of my demons (wishful thinking!) and yet, the symptoms persist.

    And then came acceptance. Being depressed (and at times quite severely, as you already know, first hand) has become part of my lifestyle. I allow for it in my life (it’s not going anywhere fast, I found!); I stopped beating myself up because I’m not overcoming this bloody condition. I do what I can. And on those bad days, I try and be less intolerant towards myself.

    I’m managing better nowadays.

    I’m here, an email away. And I’ll be watching this spot anyway. Just to remind you that there are people out there, who have some idea where you’re coming from…

    • Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to respond. No, it hasn’t been easy for me–all these years. I’ve been battling depression for a long time and it’s a struggle that’s going to continue for awhile longer yet.

      Today, I had one of my anti-depressants increased in strength so–that I hope!–will be able to give me some peace of mind this winter.

      I’ve never been able to beat the depression during the winter months. It’s always been very hard for me. Hopefully, this increase will help beat back my own monsters.

      Thankfully, however, my latest depression stint only lasted a week and I went back to normal. I just couldn’t stay depressed for very long. It was time to move on.

      But the meds are helping. So is the counseling. But this will only stabilize me for the short term. I shudder to think what will happen next because it seems to only get *worse* every time there’s something going on.

      As I indicated, my last bout tipped the scales on the Wall of The Insane. I’ve never experienced depression like this–like I had–for years.

      So this was something new. But despite everything going on now, I’m wondering if the next time won’t be worse?

      I’m hoping and praying that it won’t be. That these increases will keep me stabilized–now that I know what’s going on and I’m more in touch with myself.

      Thankfully, I find that I’m not alone in this battle. So there’s hope for us all yet.


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